WR 7. A community effort –Dine out in Paris ANNEX
ANNEX 1.
Writing 7.2
TASK 8. Write your own version (emphasis on the meals and building their relationship, trying to include any interesting twist in the plot). 300 words / 50 min.
The final text in three stages:
Page 2. The final text revisited after three months:
Page 3. The improved version with some comments
Page 4. The first draft with poor language .. and bright plot.
COMPOSITION #7: Dining out with Bergman by Jose Luis T.
ANNEX2:
You will find interesting options in these tasks of the worksheets:
Writing 7.1
TASK 4. Write out a short telegram to submit a formal invitation to dine out?
CHOICE 2. Check language in both options and assess how effective they could have been.
TASK 8. Write a short bio data (60-word) for each artist: Ingrid and Robert Capa.
CHOICE 1. Compare your texts with some proposals.
Writing 7.2
TASK 6. activity two. Rewrite the same content with your own words, changing all the needed nouns; punctuation and relative pronouns; links, etc.
CHOICE 3. Use a learner’s text to compare with your own production.
See if it looks as successful/ more or less?
TASK 8. Write your own version (emphasis on the meals and building their relationship, trying to include any interesting twist in the plot). 300 words / 50 min.
CHOICE 4. Use this text to compare with your own production.
CHOICE 5. Use the original learner’s text to compare with the previous one in two columns.
(observe the improvements in adjectives and activating of words).
WR.7. A community effort –Dine out in Paris ANNEX 1.
Writing 7.2. TASK 8. Write your own version (emphasis on the meals and building their relationship, trying to include any interesting twist in the plot). 300 words / 50 min.
The final text revisited after three months: by Jose Luis T. Polishing my versions.
________________________ ________________________ ________________________
After a couple of endlessly hours, Capa was brought an answering note, which ran in this way:
Subject: Dinner offering; 6.6.45. Paris. France
To: Mr. Robert Capa
“I’m sure money won’t be a problem for getting some meal – if necessary I’d pay for it !!! -, but I always refuse invitations without flowers, although they come from ‘communities’”
Signed: I.Bergman
A happy smile lighted Capa’s face when he recieved the note; so he spend the last money sending flowers to the girl, and a meeting time note.
Close to 6:15, they met at the hotel hall, with great expectations, although male expectations. After the first encounter they decided to dine at the hotel’s Restaurant, but firstly, they would take a drink at the hotel’s lobby-bar.
After some previous deliberations, the community decided to ask the girl for the photograph. But it would be better if it would be only asked by a man alone. So, Robert Capa and Ingrid Bergman, with no community now, strolled towards the Restaurant. Then Robert Capa was ready for the question, and beginning the first two words when the waiter appeared asking for the dinner. Quickly, it was a top quality dinner; Capa read the menu and decided to take soup and an oranged duck. By the other way, the girl asked for a noodle salad.
After a while, Ingrid Bergman began a chat about the new film she had played called “Casablanca”, a lovely place where Capa spend some bites of his life. So, he followed the conversation, but although the film was placed in the same Casablanca and Paris, it was filmed in Hollywood, so Ingrid Bergman never visited the place. That was the auspicious moment to make the question, when
-“ready for something sweet?”, was asked by an untimely waiter’s voice.
- Pie, apple pie, replied the girl, “ there’s a delicious apple pie here, you can’t leave the hotel without tasting it”.
After all said and eaten, for half a minute they were lost in some thoughts. Capa was sure of asking the right question at once. But, Bergman broke the silence asking for a favour, and none can’t say ‘no’ to the 1944’s prettiest girl. “Would you mind, Robert, ....... make me an illustrated report with bath clothes or... better, among towels?”; Robert Capa ended his wine glass and smiled back:
-“Well, perhaps,... I learnt to never say no. It could turn into an interesting event” .
________________________ ________________________ ________________________
COMPOSITION #7: Dining out with Bergman by Jose Luis T. (improved version)
COMPOSITION #7: Dining out with Bergman by Jose Luis T. (improved version)
After a couple of hours, Capa discovered an answering note, which ran in this way:
Subject: Dinner offering. 6.6.45. Paris. France
To: Mr. Robert Capa
“I’m sure money won’t be a problem for getting some proper meal – if necessary
I’d pay for it !!! -, but I always refuse invitations without flowers,
although they come from ‘communities’”
Signed: I.Bergman
A happy smile lighted Capa’s face when he received the note; so he spent their last money sending flowers to the lovable actress, and a meeting place note.
Close to 6:15, they met at the hotel hall, with great expectations, all masculine ones. After the first encounter they decided going for dinner to the hotel’s Restaurant, but first, they would take a drink at the hotel’s lobby-bar.
After some previous deliberations, the community decided to ask the actress for the coveted photograph. But it would be better if it would be only asked by the ‘best photographer in the world’. So, Robert Capa and Ingrid Bergman, with no community company [as he left for the toilettes], head for the restaurant. Taking the seat, Capa was ready for the question, [and as had just began uttering the first two words] the waiter appeared asking for the dinner. Quickly, it was an unusual quality dinner; Capa read the menu and decided to take soup and an oranged duck. By the other way, the actress asked for a noodle salad [with salmon swimming in raisins cream]. Delicious!
After a while, Ingrid Bergman begun a chat about the new film she had played recently called “Casablanca”, a lovely place where Capa had spent some spells of his life. So, he followed the conversation, but although the film had shown Casablanca and Paris scenes, it was filmed in Hollywood studios, so Ingrid Bergman never visited the African city. That was the right moment to make the [dreadful] question, when “a [savoury sweet to top the dinner], perhaps?”, asked an untimely waiter’s voice. “Pie, apple pie with vanilla [whipped] cream”, replied Ingrid, “ there’s an unforgettable apple pie here, you can’t leave the hotel without tasting it”.
After all these events, Capa was absolutely decided to pose the question. But, Bergman began to talk to him asking for a favour, and no-one can say ‘no’ to the 1945’s prettiest girl. “Would you mind, Robert, ....... make an illustrated report while wearing bath clothes or wrapped with towels?”; Robert Capa ended his wine glass and smiled “Perhaps, it could [end up in an interesting evening]”.
[Comments2: José Luis, Great work! Now the text reads much better!
Could you accept some suggestions to clarify the actions/ activate some descriptions?
and then observe the underlined items. Check them.
first draft: COMPOSITION #7: Dining out with Bergman by Jose Luis T.
After a couple of hours, Capa discovered an answering notice, which run in this way:
Subject: Dinner offering; 6.6.45. Paris. France
To: Mr. Robert Capa
“I’m sure money won’t be a problem to getting some meal – if necesary I’d pay it !!! -, but I always refuse invitations without flowers, althought they come from ‘communities’”
Signed: I.Bergman
A happy smile lighted Capa’s face when he receives the note; so he spend the last money sending flowers to the girl, and a meeting time note.
Close to 6:15, they meet at the hotel hall, with great expectations, although masculine expectations. After the first encounter they decided going for dinner to the hotel’s Restaurant, but first, they would take drinks at the hotel’s lobby-bar.
After some delliberations, the community decided asking the girl for the photograph. But would be better if only asked by a man alone. So, Robert Capa and Ingrid Bergman, with no community went to the Restaurant. Then R. Capa was ready for the question, and beginning the first two words when the waiter appeared asking for the dinner. Quickly, it was a free quality dinner; Capa read the menu and decided for soup and an oranged duck. By the other way, the girl asked for a noodle salad.
After a while, Ingrid Bergman begun a chat about the new film she had played called “Casablanca”, a lovely place where Capa spend some bites of his life. So, he followed the conversation, but although the film was placed in the same Casablanca and Paris, it was filmed on Hollywood, so Ingrid Bergman never visited the place. That was the moment of make the question, when “an ending sweet?”, asked an untimely waiter’s voice. Pie, apple pie, replied the girl, “ there’s a delicious apple pie here, you can’t leave the hotel without taste it”.
After all, Capa was sure of asking the question. But, Bergman began to talk him asking a favour. “Would you mind, Robert, ....... make me an illustrated report with bath clothes or between towels?”; Robert Capa ended his wine glass and smiled “Perhaps, it could be interesting”
Comments1: José Luis, Good plot! with lots of lovely ideas. But carelessness in language for someone at your level. Do some basic work on revise your text:
a) Clean the text of basic grammar mistakes:
tenses (all in past?); spelling mistakes (delliberation); preposition followed by V -ing
b) Try to improve your word chice: big, interesting, nice, talk, etc.
c) Make the plot clearer with better punctuation.
ANNEX2: Writing 7. A community effort –Dine out in Paris
Writing 7.1 Who’s who in the community 3-4-5 level 15 min.
TASK 4. Write out a short telegram to submit a formal invitation to dine out?
CHOICE 2. Check language in both options and assess how effective they could have been.
OPTION A:
Subject: inviting you to dinner this evening 6.6.45. Paris. France
To: Miss Ingrid Bergman
Dear Ingrid,
As I already know you are in Paris like me and our comon friend Irwing. We would like to invite you this evening to have diner with us. The meal will be served at this little restaurant call ‘Le chat Noir’, which is near your hotel. We hope you heard about it. Nevertheless, we will go to pick you up if you are free to catch up with us.
We will call you at 6:15
Signed: Bob Capa and Irwing Shaw.
OPTION B:
Subject: inviting you to dinner this evening 6.6.45. Paris. France
To: Miss Ingrid Bergman
Dear Ms. Bergman,
If I am well-informed you are already in Paris like our common friend Irwing & I. We would like to invite you this evening to have dinner with us. A charming dinner will be served at ‘Le chat Noir’, a cosy eatery which is near your hotel, so you will have a good occasion to discover it along with some extra surprises. Anyway, we have decided to pop in the hotel entrance hoping you are free to catch up with us.
We will call you at 6:15
Signed: Bob Capa and Irwing Shaw.
TASK 8. Write a short bio data (60-word) for each artist: Ingrid and Robert Capa.
CHOICE 1. Compare your texts with these below:
Ingrid Berman was born in Stockholm, Sweden in 1915. She acted in over 50 films and in five different languages. She died of cancer in London in 1982. She had four children and three marriages being the most popular the one with the Italian director Roberto Rosselini. She won three Oscars, because spent most of his career in Hollywood.
Robert Capa covered the Spanish Civil War from 1935-37. In 1936 is when he made his first big impression world wide, he captured a Loyalist soldier falling to his death. In 1938 Capa Covers the Japanese invasion of China, then covers The WWII (1939-45) including the landing and invasion of Omaha beach known as D-Day. Capa took 108 pictures but only eleven were publishable. He also captured the Liberation of Paris. On May 25th 1954 in Indochina Capa was found dead.
Writing 7.2 Writing a descriptive text:
PRODUCTION STAGE
TASK 6. activity two. Rewrite the same content with your own words, changing all the needed nouns; punctuation and relative pronouns; links, etc.
CHOICE 3. Use a learner’s text to compare with your own production.
See if it looks as successful/ more or less?
After a while, Ingrid Bergman begun to talk about the new film she had filmed called “Casablanca”, a nice place where Capa had spent some time. So, he easily followed the conversation, Nevertheless, the film was filmed on Hollywood, although it was placed in the same Casablanca and Paris, a reason why Ingrid Bergman never had visited the place.
TASK 8. Write your own version (emphasis on the meals and building their relationship, trying to include any interesting twist in the plot). 300 words / 50 min.
See choices 4 and 5, according to your interests.
CHOICE 4. Use this text to compare with your own production.
After all, the community has agreed in asking the actress for the unusual photograph. They tought it would be better if Capa, the ‘best photographer in the world’, asked her while they all were having a witty chat during the pleasant meal. So, Robert, quite nervous but quiet, once assured about her acceptance, came to the hotel with a confident smile in his face. He was thinking in asking her aid before the main course were served, but the pending question never came out because of the efficient waiter that went in and out at every moment always checking if they needed something else (all we needed was his silence!).
During the meal Ingrid was engrossed on her last work she had played in. There were many anecdotes. The film evoked a romantic place, “Casablanca”, although it had been shot in a Hollywood studio not in the Marrocan city. It was during the desserts when the question was posed. She was eating a really savoury chocolate gateau when Capa, midway through his ‘tarte Tatin’, said:
-“What do you think about my photographs? Do you truly like them?”
-“Oh yes, I think they are powerful and very touching” –replied the actress.
-“Would you like to pose for me? –inquired Capa- “I’m making some extra work for … some mags, Vogue or Life..”
-“Oh that would be fantastic… I ‘d love to do it” –said Ingrid very pleased and amused.
-Yes, but the thing is that your pictures would have to be shot in a special setting... why not in your bath, relaxed and self-assured in the foam –said him slowly and tactfully, looking straight in her beautiful eyes.
She just put the spoon on the table and looked at him back. Her face didn’t reflect any surprise at all. She just was beginning to smile.
– Why not? Shock them, right? I could show my fans I am more than an actress! –said Ingrid smiling openly.
CHOICE 5. TASK 8. Use the original learner’s text to compare with the previous one (observe the improvements in adjectives and activating of words).
First Alejandra’s version:
After all, the community has agreed in asking the actress for the unusual photograph. They tought it would be better if Capa, the ‘best photographer in the world’, asked her while they are will be having a chat during a nice meal. So, Robert quite nervous, but sure about the meeting, came to the hotel with a big smile in his face. He was thinking in asking her before the main course came, but the question never came out because of the efficient waiter that went in and out at every moment always asking if everything was ok. So, during the meal Ingrid talked a lot about the last film she had played. The film had a romantic one, named “Casablanca”, although it had been made in Hollywood not in the place it named. It was during the desserts when the question was posed. She was eating a really savoury chocolate gateau when Capa at the half of his ‘tarte Tatin’ said:
-What do you think about my photographs? Do you like them?
-Oh yes, I think they are really realistic and very touching.
-Would you like to pose for me. I’m making some extra work for …some magazines..
-Oh that would be fantastic… I will love do it –said Ingrid very pleased.
-Yes, but the thing is that the photograph has to be done in a bath with you in the bathtube and naked –said Capa really slowly and tactfully, looking at her directly in her beautiful eyes.
She just put the spoon on the dish and looked at him back. Her face didn’t reflect any surprise at all. She was just beginning to smile.
– Why not? It could be interesting. –said Ingrid smiling openly.
edited version:
After all, the community has agreed in asking the actress for the unusual photograph. They tought it would be better if Capa, the ‘best photographer in the world’, asked her while they all were having a witty chat during the pleasant meal. So, Robert, quite nervous but quiet, once assured about her acceptance, came to the hotel with a confident smile in his face. He was thinking in asking her aid before the main course were served, but the pending question never came out because of the efficient waiter that went in and out at every moment always checking if they needed something else (all we needed was his silence!).
During the meal Ingrid was engrossed on her last work she had played in. There were many anecdotes. The film evoked a romantic place, “Casablanca”, although it had been shot in a Hollywood studio not in the Marrocan city. It was during the desserts when the question was posed. She was eating a really savoury chocolate gateau when Capa, midway through his ‘tarte Tatin’, said:
-“What do you think about my photographs? Do you truly appreciate them?”
-“Oh yes, I think they are powerful and very touching” –replied the actress.
-“Would you like to pose for me? –inquired Capa- “I’m making some extra work for … some mags, Vogue or Life..”
-“Oh that would be fantastic… I ‘d love to do it” –said Ingrid very pleased and amused.
-Yes, but the thing is that your pictures would have to be shot in a special setting... why not in your bath, relaxed and self-assured in the foam –said him slowly and tactfully, looking straight in her beautiful eyes.
She just laid the spoon on the dish and looked at his deep, black eyes. Her face didn’t reflect any surprise at all. A shy smile was just taking form on her face.
– Why not? Shock them, right? I could show my fans I am more than an actress! –said Ingrid smiling openly.
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